I was at a coldplay concert in Munich one summer, it was HOT, and when we got into the park where they were playing we discovered that no one took anything but cash, so, no drinks and no food, it just wasn’t sustainable. We figured there was a bank machine around somewhere but I have to be honest, there really wasn’t. We had to leave the park (it’s a small park so not a huge deal but it’s gated to contain the concert to ticket holders), anyway, we leave the park, we start walking and keep walking, stopping to ask everyone and anyone where we might find a bank machine; we got a lot of tips and a few panned out but not one bank machine was open! As we walked I had a general idea of where we were in relation to the park but it became obvious very quickly that the guy I was hunting with had no idea, we were laughing about his lack of direction sense and he was telling me how he often ends up lost and I remember laughing but fully understanding it. I just always seem to know where I am in the world, if I came from the west I seem to know I have to return east, if I turned right, I know that returning I need to go left… it’s a sense and some people just have it while some just don’t. (I still get lost by the way, this sense doesn’t prevent that).
The thing is, lately I have been standing a cross roads of sorts and for the first time I am not sure what direction to take. There’s no inner push to the left or right, no feeling that south is better than north… it’s a weird spot to find myself. I am just a stand still with no idea where to step out but knowing that I need to step out.
Over the course of the last 13 years I have found that when God is silent it usually means that he is listening…. so Ive been praying, he’s taking his time in answering, so I am just waiting for that push, (or pull?) in the right direction. In Munich I giggled about it, while travelling with Tim we make a game of turning so many times that we end up lost on purpose to find the most out of the way parts of a place and then have the adventure of finding our way back. We once ended up in Slovenia driving from Venice to Austria, and that brings Venice up, it’s a fabulous maze that one could stay forever and wonderfully lost in. Being stuck for direction isn’t necessarily uncomfortable for me, just new, I prefer movement, with movement there is always going to be a destination, even if it’s the wrong one; but standing still feels less likely to produce anything… I realize I am wrong on this, but lets be honest right? That is how it feels.
A long diatribe into my thoughts of the last few months, trying to find my next steps, try to figure out where I go from here and how I am getting a bit bored of the waiting.
By the way… after the Coldplay concert, when we arrived at the train station where I was parting ways with my friends, we found a working bank machine, and floating around out there is a picture of six very happy people with cash, and nowhere to spend it.
L
If you have a moment to spare, maybe offer up a prayer that God will direct me in this next step.
Through the Lens of Motherhood 