There has been a lot of very dark moments in the last two years of battling mental health issues related to PTSD. I have been unavailable in so many ways and I wont lie, there were days when I wondered if I would find my way back to the light but slowly I am seeing the beauty of rays of light in the fog. You know those rays, the bright beams of light that come down through the clouds and look almost like God’s fingers? That is the only way to describe what this last 6 months has been like. His fingers, reaching down through the clouds and touching me with his beauiful light and warmth.
In October God started talking to me about joy, more specifically about my lack of joy. I started to try and figure out when I last had it and I had to admit that I couldn’t remember, but I remembered that when I felt it most was when I was in his presence and so I began to seek time with him, in his presence, and there He was, the scales fell from my eyes and he was standing in front of me smiling.
The process was horrible, it was hard and painful and dark but I feel like I have climbed a moutain, and that I climbed it for a reason; I stand here thanking God for allowing me to see what it feels like to suffer anxiety and depression so that I can fully understand the suffering of others who struggle with it. I am not ‘There’ yet; I know that I will never again be the person I was before and I have come to understand that that is a good thing.
As most readers of this blog (long suffering and yet faithfully loyal people that you are) know that I have been spending a lot of time writing a book and going through the publishing process, the process has been… lets say ‘Inspired’ since I really had not a lot to do with it. Had it been my choice it would have remained in a file on the external harddrive of my computer. God had other plans though and even when I fought him every step of the way he somehow landed me here, in February 2020 with a light in front of me and a published book coming in just weeks… God has been so faithful and so gracious. Of course I plan to share each wonderful step with you and as always I thank you for your patience and love.
My book, also called Through the Lens of Motherhood is due to be released this April and when it hits stores I do hope you will buy a copy to hear the full story of the hope and joy of being forever changed by experiences beyond our control. I will keep you posted on how to get your copy directly from me or give links on where to buy online.