The silence has been killing me… every day I search for a little bit of time to sit and write, just a moment, maybe two… and every day I come up lacking. Then all of a sudden it’s been a few weeks since my last post and there is so much to say that it becomes overwhelming to sit and put it all into words. I will however, try.
I once found myself on the top of a mountain in the Austrian alps with a bum knee. I was sitting there contemplating the hours it took me to reach the top and the agony that awaited me on the climb back down that mountain. I sat in contemplation for a long time, gathering strength, hoping for a relief from the pain that splintered through my knee in fits and bursts. When I finally gathered up all the courage I could muster I stood, and slowly, step by step, painful crunch by painful crunch I made my trek down.
They say that the climb is the hard part, you are tired, you are out of breath and your thighs burn the longer you climb; there is a reward waiting for you though and once at the top, viewing the valley below you it is easy to forget the exhaustion you felt only moments before. However, the decent… the decent can be wreak havoc on your already tired and sore body; the jolting down word steps, the impact on the legs, the post awesome view blues can be wearing on your body and soul. That day was like that for me, each step sent a jolt of pain through my knee that screamed and begged me to stop. I could very easily have just stayed put. It was summer after all, there was no risk of dying from exposure, and it was Austria… no bears or cougars or other scary animals lurking around waiting to make me their supper. I came upon a meadow at one point and sat in a field of wildflowers, the sun warming my back, the breeze cooling my sweaty brow. I sat there and knew that if not for the fact that people would worry about me I could very easily become one with that meadow. The urge to stay in that spot was strong, to this day when I think of that meadow I can feel the sunshine, smell the wild flowers and feel the cool breeze on my cheeks. I just need to close my eyes and I am back in that spot. For all the pain, the fear of moving forward, that place still brings me peace.
Sometimes I feel that I am in that decent again, fear, worry, pain… with each step of that decent I can feel it clawing its way up my throat and I long to stop and find a field of wild flowers to escape in. When I find such a place, where life stops and the peace sets in, it takes every ounce of courage I have remaining to get up and move further down that mountain.
A lot has happened this last few months, it seems that every aspect of our lives is in turmoil. Not one area of our lives has been left untouched by something or someone meant to cause anxiety and stress. We have discovered that Joshua needs eye surgery, nothing major by comparison to his life story, but a worry all the same, Kaleb has been suffering this month more than any other from asthma that won’t ease; we have had stress thrown at us from every possible angle and I see no end in sight for the moment.
Then this morning we sang a song in church, and as I sat there singing ‘I need you, oh I need you, every hour I need you, you are my one defence, my righteousness , oh Lord how I need you…’ I found that meadow… for a moment I felt that peace that can only come when you give it all up and admit you can’t do this alone. When the song ended, when I was forced to move I was afraid, I didn’t want to make the step out of that peaceful place I had found myself… but life is fluid, we need to keep moving.
That day on the mountain, as I made my final downward steps before reaching flat land I remember thanking God for getting me there, for being the arm that I could lean on to ease the pain. Today, as I moved through the rest of my day I found myself saying the same prayer…
On Wednesday we face ECHO day… for those new to this blog that means that we go back to the cardiac clinic for more tests to show us the state of Joshua’s heart. Every time I feel anxious, every time, no matter how many times we have done this in the past I fee the familiar clawing at my throat, I have the same nightmares, the same tremors run down my spine.
On Thursday we head to the doctor with Kaleb to investigate further Kalebs allergies and look at some options for therapy for him and again on Thursday Josh sees a dentist because as luck would have it, the kid has a third adult tooth up there and it needs to be surgically removed… it’s actually laughable… if it wasn’t so… well, sucky for lack of a better word.
Oh I need you, every hour I need you, my one defense… oh Lord how I need you.