I read a blog post today from a mom who lost her son when he was just a year or so old to a congenital heart defect; she was talking about how she had been going through posts online and saw the a video about being a ‘heart mom’ and how that made her cry because she wasn’t a heart mom anymore… this just about broke my heart and I decided to write an open letter to her, and to other mothers and fathers out there who have fought along side their children and had to let them go.
Dear Heart Mom (Dad),
You will always be a heart Mom. There is no taking away from the battle you have fought, the tears you have shed, the ache that fills your heart on a daily basis. No one can take from you the love you still hold close to your heart for the child who is no longer in your arms, you are still and will always be his Mom, and that means you are and always will be a heart mom.
There are many people who won’t understand what you have gone through, many people who have no idea the pain that you feel, the exhaustion you feel, the penetrating sadness that lurks around every corner. Not many can understand what it is like to watch your child fight with all they have against a failing heart, to see them after surgery, to sign consent to something you know could very well end their lives. Once you become one of these parents, no matter what the outcome, you are a heart Mom.
You have cried tears that no one should have to cry, you have seen things that no one should have to see and the fear you felt, the ache you still feel, those are all things that put you in a category that no one wants to be in, the mother of a ‘heart angel’. It’s not fair, its not right, in fact it is the worst thing in the world that could have happened to you; but your child was the best thing that happened and regardless of the outcome, however horrible. You were his Mom. You still are his Mom. He was a heart warrior. He fought battles with strength and courage that don’t seem right in a child so young but his courage shaped you, changed you. His love shaped and changed you from the day he was born until the day you die. There is no going back from where you are, or where you have been.
You will get up tomorrow, you will breathe, you will laugh, you will cry, you will find new dreams and new hope but it won’t change that you carried, birthed and loved one amazing little person who changed your whole world.
Don’t ever let yourself believe that you aren’t still, that you won’t always be, a heart Mom.