Not very long ago I shared a post where I spoke about the verses from scripture that God has used to speak to me throughout the last six years in regards to Josh. The main verse that keeps popping up at random yet meaningful times is Joshua 1:9. I have read it thousands of times, I have heard it whispered, seen it on wall plaques, my Bible, or heard it in sermons, or from friends… yet this morning when I saw it posted a friends timeline on facebook I saw something I have never seen before…
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
In the many times I have read this verse or heard it, it wasn’t until today that I saw ‘do not be discouraged’. I don’t know why I have missed that before… yesterday I was so discouraged, so angry, so totally overwhelmed. I can’t say I feel too much better today either. However, seeing this verse today, hearing that new portion of the verse for the first time, is like God saying it to me for the very first time.
“Laurie, Have I not commanded you? Be strong, be courageous, don’t be afraid, don’t be discouraged, I am the Lord YOUR God, I am with you, I will be with you no matter where you go.” I am still feeling overwhelemed and scared and worried and discouraged and frustrated and tired… but today was a reminder that he is with me, no matter where I go, no matter where Joshua goes, no matter what any doctor says, no matter what report I am handed.
I hold on to that tightly. So, my prayer today is that he helps me with this command, that I can find a way past this discouraging news, this feeling of failure, this feeling being too overwhelmed to move. I don’t believe that saying ‘God won’t give you more than you can handle.. ‘ It’s crap in my opinion. It’s when you get to more than you can handle that you let it go and allow God to lead you through it. That’s where I am at today… yesterday I felt like God gave Josh the wrong person to be his Mom. I felt like I didn’t have the necessary skill set to be the best Mom for him. I am not a teacher, I am not a therapist, I am not a doctor or even a nurse, I have zero training on how to help him… why on earth did God see fit to give Josh to someone so unqualified, he deserves so much more than me. I still feel overwhelmed when I think about all that Josh needs both now and in the years to come, I still question if I was the best choice, but today, I choose to let it go; and it is a choice I can assure you. I am choosing not to listen to the lies, I am choosing to give my fear and worry and feelings of failure to God because I can’t let this break me. God for whatever his reasons DID give Josh to me, he saw something that I can’t see… so to let it break me would be to let my son down even more. It would be saying God didn’t know what he was doing… instead I will choose to give it to him and not question it. I will choose to try and live by this command to not be discouraged.
Today we head into another long day of testing, this time it’s his heart. This is the first ECHO since his one week post-op. The swelling has now gone down and we will get a much clearer view of how that surgery in August ‘took’. We will find out if he is accepting the valves, if the enlarged part of his heart is going back at all to normal size… please, pray with me for Josh today. I know you all pray for him so faithfully, but today in particular I ask for a special little prayer for both of us. The support I received yesterday was beautiful, all the texts, emails, Facebook messages… I am always surprised by the people who read this… and always blessed. I wasn’t in a great place last night and didn’t respond to many of you and for that I do apologize; but know that each word I read filled me with love and encouragement. As I said yesterday, I needed a day to just be mad but today is a new day with new battles to face and I am picking myself up to fight again. I couldn’t do that without each of you praying us through this portion of our lives.