I remember being pregnant with Kaleb, the feeling of him growing inside me and the immediate love that happened when I met him for the first time in the OR, when they held him close to me for the first time so that I could see him; so unlike Joshua’s delivery and so beautifully normal. The very first thing he did was suck my nose and indicate that he was hungry. He was/is so beautiful; and though the drugs have made many of the memories blurry and vague that particular one stands out to me as clearly as if it happened yesterday. I had pre-eclampsia with Kaleb, and I was horribly sick in the hours post-op, I was also shaking uncontrollably, my blood pressure was crazy and I was itchy from the meds. Then they would hand Kaleb to me and I remember feeling peace, no more shaking, no more itchy, just a sweet balm of soothing calm that settled in like a fog. As soon as someone else wanted to hold him the shaking would start again, the vomiting would continue and the agonizing itching would start all over again. In the days and weeks that followed his birth his eyes would seek me out where ever I was, sometimes he would lie in the stroller as I walked down the street and he would just stare at me, for hours at a time he eyes would be on me. There was nothing more pure to me than the love we shared, we had bonded instantly, where with Josh we had had to work at it because I hadn’t had the opportunity to hold him for weeks post birth. As he grew the bond only deepened and now at three it’s been solidified and there is nowhere he would rather be than in my arms for a snuggle. If I have been out and I return I get a huge, long hug and kisses… always kisses. Hearing his little spontaneous ‘I love you’s’ warm my heart and fill me with more joy than I can imagine.
He causes trouble, he has his moments where all I can think about is… is this how he’s going to turn out? Will he always be like this? Then, in a flash he can be back to the sweet little boy who has learned that they way to his Mummy’s heart is with a cheeky smile or cute little ‘Mummy, I need a snuggle’ and the world tilts back onto it’s axis and all is well. He claimed my heart by sucking my nose, and it’s his forever.
Kaleb is not often a focus in this blog, not because I don’t love him, not because he’s not one of the best little people I know, not because he isn’t one of the many miracles in my life, it’s simply because Joshua’s health problems lead me to write more about Josh and all my doubts, fears and worries about him. When I see the two boys I see all our faults as parents but I also see all of our qualities, all the things that make us unique. Kaleb, he’s more like me and that to me is both terrifying (for any readers who actually know me, or knew me ‘when’ then you know what I am talking about) and thrilling. I am often amazed by the reality that through love Tim and I created two such amazing little people who take so much after us. Josh, who is a little mini Tim is a delight to watch and learn from. I can almost visualize Tim as a little boy when I watch him and it only makes me love Tim more than I already do.
My boys aren’t perfect, they have faults (most of them coming from my gene pool I’m afraid) but they are beautiful all the same.
I learn from Kaleb daily, I see him do something naughty or mean and I still love him and it reminds me how God sees me. How much more does he love me despite my naughtiness or meanness? I see Kaleb needing comfort and my greatest joy is to wrap him in my arms and comfort him and I see that God loves me the same way, when I need comfort I know through being a mother that God longs to wrap me in his strong arms just as I do for my boys. Last night, Kaleb had a nightmare, he was so scared he was shaking and it sparked an asthma attack, easing his fears came so naturally that I didn’t even think about it. How much more does God yearn to ease my fears. This blog, entitled Through the Lens of Motherhood, is me learning through my boys what love looks like through the lens of parenthood, and how God views me through a lens much clearer, much more high def. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love my kids and Tim and yet I know that God loves me and them even more. It’s indescribable to me, unimaginable and yet somehow it’s not only possible but it’s done. I don’t have to earn it, I just have to look up into his eyes to see it. Just as Kaleb used to stare at me for hours on end, or seek me out where ever he was, the bond was there from the beginning and will remain.