ah the world can be murky sometimes can’t it? I wish I could get down into the swamps and shoot the underwater crud and zero visibility to properly, visually, express this feeling I have been struggling with today.
It started with a choice, a decision, a dream and the water went from crystal clear to murky brown in an unsettling amount of time. Now we can’t see where we are going, and I can’t hear God’s reassuring voice guiding me. The only clear thing…
‘Come, Follow me.’ repeated over and over again in the gospels, to the unlikely, to the poor, to the fisherman, and tax collector, he’s saying it to me now ‘Come Laurie… Follow me’… but when I look at at the road he’s pointing to there are two paths, and I can’t see through the shadows of unclarity to see where he’s asking me to follow him to.
I am usually fairly intuitive, I jump at change, I enjoy new and different things. Right now, I generally know what my next step will be, and I am spontaneous by nature so I don’t even really have to worry over it… it’s throwing me off, this vague uncertainty. Where has it come from? Who am I becoming that a decision is so unclear, so hard.
I feel like I am writing this in a dear Anne style letter… and that I should sign off saying …
The truth of the matter is, I have always struggled with regular scripture reading time. I find it easier to talk to God and I have always been fairly clear on what he’s saying to me, though I can’t hear his voice really (I mentioned this in another post the other day) but I generally make the call, go for it, and find that if I was wrong God sets me back on track quickly enough. Reading the Bible (my latest challenge to myself) is just hard for me. I have a tendancy to say to God, ‘Okay… I am opening my Bible, talk to me, and then I open it at a random place and hope that my eyes land on the sentence he wishes to say. (Yes, I am fully aware of how silly this is).
One such day, when Josh was just a baby facing his first surgery I approached the Bible this way. I closed it, prayed that God would use it to talk to me. I then allowed it to open to any page he saw fit. I landed on a page in Joshua (sounds promising right?) I looked at the chapter heading… it read ‘Joshua dies’. I closed the Bible and figured God had taught me a valuable lesson about how NOT to ready my Bible.
I suppose that if (as my husband says) I were to approach the Bible like it’s a chance to know God better, a chance to understand His will and his commandments, then I would grow in relationship with him, thus having a better clarity for the times like these that I struggle to know my next steps. (seems simple right? -but I really suck at taking time out to read my Bible).
All this to say that I am going to challenge myself to read every day, even if it’s only a small portion. I will do this for one month, see how I do. Small baby steps. I have done this before, in fact I look back on when I felt closest to God and it was when I was daily reading, fasting, praying and listening to Him.
Since that is what I long for now, maybe it’s time to head back to the basics of just knowing the God I love, who loves me so much more.
Trying to follow