Have you ever had one of those days where you hear something and it clicks… all the thoughts and feelings that you have been feeling but can’t necessarily pin point as thoughts and feelings suddenly become clear and you can’t believe it didn’t hit you before? For me, today was one of those days. It’s been a long few months, and you haven’t heard much from me because I just haven’t had much to say. I have been unable to pray lately, unable to really think or feel much beyond this moment, lack of sleep has certainly been a huge part of this, by the time the end of the day hits I flop on the couch and turn off my brain, and the days with two boys who need attention have also been contributing factors. I have caught thoughts forming but then I am distracted by a cry or a fight or a request for more juice and that seedling thought is lost in sea of life.

Today, as I sat in church and Barry spoke to us about a woman who threw herself at the feet of Jesus and begged him of behalf of her daughter for help (Mark 7:24-37), as he walked us through her interaction with Jesus I felt a release, an overwhelming clarity of my own life. For too long I have felt like I have been lying at the feet of Jesus begging for help on Joshua’s behalf, and I have felt like Jesus was saying to me that others come first, that I wasn’t worthy of his help. Today I realized that I have yet to really grasp that there is enough grace, enough mercy for even me. I also realized that this is NOT about me, it’s about Josh, and I can’t give up on begging on his behalf. I can’t stop ‘nagging with purpose’ for God to heal Josh, for his heart, for his speech and for his development. I have not been angry at God, not really, I guess a part of me, the part I couldn’t identify or clarify had given up. I had stopped bugging God to help him.

It’s not about getting the answer we want, nor is it about getting the answer we think we need, it’s about getting our deepest need met, and He’s got enough grace, enough mercy, enough love to cover every person’s need. Joshua’s no different, I am no different. I am standing on the precipice of something, holding Josh’s hand and we are being asked to step out in faith, to be open to be moved. It seems so clear now that I can’t believe I actually thought he had forgotten us. I have not trusted Him as much as I had thought, I am being called to trust Him more. What greater trust can there be than to let go of Josh’s hand and give him solely to Jesus. I have been here before, I have let go of his hand before, but always I take his hand back and hold him to myself, trying to regain control of the one thing I have no control over. Seeking answers that only God can answer.

My burden is lighter this afternoon. My heart less full of the worry that has been literally strangling me for the past few months. To say that I have felt like a burden is not fully expressing my deepest thoughts and fears. I would prefer to put on a front, to act like all is right in the world, because to share all my thoughts and fears makes me feel like a boring blogger, always saying the same thing, post after post. So I have gone dark, I have said little. What is there to say that is different than hundreds of posts before? Today I realize that in closing myself off to taking time to sort out the thoughts and feelings I have been stressing, has also caused my heart to go silent, my prayers to cease, my eyes to close and my fear and worry to fight their way out of the shadows, out of the nightmares and live beside me, binding me, holding me captive.

I had the bindings cut this morning. My rescue has been secured, the Victor has won me. There IS enough grace, there IS enough mercy. I will start up again with the nagging on Josh’s behalf.

We sang The Victor this morning… 

You are the Victor, Your work is complete
Chains have been broken and laid at your feet
I stand up strong and receive the joy
You have prepared for me.

With comfort and joy you respond to our cries

Our peace is restored with one look in your eyes
Your enemies scatter as they see You rise
with healing in your wings
Your are the Victor…

With every good thing we are being satisfied
Our place at your table has not been denied
the doors of our prisons are thrown open wide
Before our coming King
You are the Victor…

With songs of deliverance Your people surround
Rekindle our passion for taking new ground
we dance on the chance that once held us bound
and this what we sing
You are the Victor…

You are the Victor, your work is complete
Chains have been broken and laid at your feet
I stand up strong and receive the joy
You have prepared for me.

Pray without ceasing!


Published by lauriehaughton

Author & Photographer

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