I feel the air close in around me, the sweat snaking down my spine and pooling in the lip of my jeans. My heart rate increases, my mind stops working and my stomach twists and turns. I want to vomit but I can’t even think straight enough to know it…
This is what happens to me when I am in a tight place, or trapped, or even just feeling trapped… I can’t even think about an avalanche, or coffins or that one episode of CSI where Nick gets buried alive… chills just thinking about stuff like that. More than chills, true terror, panic that completely overwhelms me. Elevators are hard, the thought of being in a submarine makes me sick to my stomach, snow forts with no roofs? Never! I choose cremation without thought or question, won’t even watch CSI, just in case, hate the signs on the mountain that say it’s a high avalanche risk while snowboarding, even being under the covers too long is enough to cause my chest to constrict. If hugging my husband and my face is enveloped in his chest I need to pull away and move to a spot where I can feel the air on my face.
I don’t know what caused this phobia, I hate that I am so irrational about it, I hate that I can’t control it, or breathe it through. I hate that feeling of blinding panic that consumes me… I hate it. So, why am I writing this today? I need to face this fear tonight, I have an MRI, my stomach has been in knots for days now, my heart rate is up, my stress is coming out in an upset tummy, sore shoulders, grumpy mummy syndrome, grumpy wife syndrome and a deep deep deep desire to run and hide. I have pills, the doctor has prepped me so that I can will have something to relax me but apparently it won’t make me sleep, just relax me… my temperature is spiking… breathe…
I have no purpose in writing this but to walk through my panic in a more helpful way… it’s not helping. Will write tomorrow to let you know if and how I survived… if I don’t post I am in a coma brought on by fear…
Through the Lens of Motherhood 