With the out pouring of love that I have had come through my email and this blog I feel I cannot leave it on such a dark and painful note. Thank you so much for all your words. It seems that I have some things I need to work through regarding Josh, his heart and the anger and fear I have surrounding those things. I wrote 8000 words yesterday chronicling the entire pregnancy, today I will move into the first few weeks of his life.
Why? You ask… well it’s simple. If writing this blog has been therapeutic then maybe writing about Josh is how I can sort some of these things out. However, there in much more than a mere blog post to write so as I told a friend last night, I opened a word document and began to write. With writing there comes clarity, you can see it through fresh eyes, all your mistakes, all the areas that your thinking has gone wonky. It is a very interesting process but one that has been so helpful.
I went through a time like this before, when I lived in Austria a dark place where I had to struggle to sort out how I felt, what I thought and how I was going to cope in light of the new truths I had faced. What happened as a result of those things was amazing. I became a new person, healed in so many ways. I looked up into dark dark night and I saw millions of brilliant stars. The wounds that I had once thought would kill me, turned out to simply be bruises. Pain that I had thought unbearable turned into meaningful memories but just that, memories. Painful hurts have a way of becoming something huge, a monster looming in the closet, bringing pain and fear when you even think of opening the door but when you finally get the courage to actually turn the door handle you discover there isn’t a monster there after all, just a dark room that needs a light to take out the fear.
In writing I am attempting to turn on the lights in my own dark closet where I have been hiding my hurts and fears surrounding Josh. So far I have lit a match, but it’s a comfort to even have a little light, and it’s a comfort to know that there are people in my world both near and far that are willing to keep me company in the darkness. A community is a powerful thing, and knowing that I can turn around and see loving faces staring back at me and encouraging me is what has given me the courage to embark on this journey. So I want to thank you, each of you who has loved us, prayed for us, held us close and offered comfort. You have no idea how much you have meant to us, to me. Your strength is giving me strength and your prayers are being heard because after a time of silence I think I am finally hearing God’s whisper.