I realize that I keep coming back to this place, the dark place that is Joshua’s illness. I started this blog because I wanted to lose weight, and I wanted to be held accountable by the masses and yet it quickly turned into the place that I turn to when I need to share my thoughts without fear of someone seeing my tears, or fully knowing my pain. It bacame my therapy (much cheaper than seeing a shrink too!). I am going to go back there again, so if you are bored I promise not to be offended if you stop reading at the point. Please do come back another day, it won’t always be this dark.
Yesterday as I sat praying in church I heard them pray for Joshua, it was the first time I had heard them pray out loud for him since we nearly lost him and it startled me. My heart actually did a little flip flop in my chest before completely falling out and landing on the floor with a rather loud thud. ‘Here we go again’ is all that I could think. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming, couldn’t stop the hurt from invading yet again. When will this end? Will it end?
I mentioned in an earlier post that I had been in the ER with Josh last week, and I had said that I didn’t want to talk about it yet. I guess the not talking about it part is so much easier than the acknowledging it part. I can hide so much better from it if no one really knows, I can keep a smile on my face and pretend if I don’t see thet pity in your eyes or hear the concern in your voice. Yesterday in church I came face to face with reality, I had no where I could hide and it scared the hell out of me. Josh is not okay, his heart is larger (even to the naked eye), he has had some strange things going on, a racing heart, red face, lethargy and a decrease in energy.
People see him and they smile, ‘he looks so great’. One lady, just yesterday said to me (although she meant well I have no doubt) ‘and to think at one time we were all so worried about him’. This is what makes it so easy to hide in my denial, this is how I get away with making everyone believe (myself included) that he is a normal healthy kid who is going to one day play for the Toronto Maple Leafs (holding the Stanly Cup over his head). He looks so strong, he looks so vital and alive and healthy.
The problem is, that he isn’t. He isn’t healthy, it’s only by sheer miracle that he is as strong as he his! I mean, most cardiac kids are frail and pale. He is a determined young man, he knows how to fight and he does, and will continue to I am sure. The problem is that I am so tired. He’s strong but I don’t feel strong and how can he remain strong when his Mummy isn’t strong anymore!? I am supposed to be the one he can turn to…
Hmm… I warned you that this would be dark. I am the pastors wife, people look to him and I as examples, we aren’t supposed to falter. We aren’t supposed to fall, or at least that is how I feel about it. I am supposed to be stoic, full of faith, trusting always in God’s healing power and love, showing no weaknesses or doubts…
I know in my head that God is my strength, that he is the God who is carrying me when I am not strong enough, and he will be the one who will carry Josh if and when Josh get’s tired too. I just wish I could know it in my heart as well. For almost three years this cloud called ‘heart defect’ has hung over our heads, sometimes just to the side but never far away… I am just waiting for the full sunlight to hit our faces. I long for the warmth of those rays.
8 thoughts on “Here we go again…”
Laurie…thank you for being so open and honest. I appreciate it more than you know. Praying for you always.
You have permission to be tired and to be human! Being an example doesn't mean you don't falter; it's what you do when you falter that counts and reveals your character. x
Dear Laurie, Please do not apologise for being human and for having a tenderly loving and passionate mother's heart. A Pastor and his wife are every bit as vulnerable and human and prone to brokenness as any other. Rest on the comfort that the One the apostle John described as the One they had heard with their ears, seen with their eyes and touched with their hands, is still very real. And when there is nowhere else to go, He is there. I bring every fear, brokenness and hearbreak to Him and He carries my burden. May He carry yours. He is there in Josh's pain and puzzlement, holding him. May touch his lethargy and give him energy. May He touch his racing heart and still it. May He touch his red face and cool it.May he touch his heart and bring it to normal. What an amazing testimony of the wonder of this little one that he is so strong. May Jesus hold him close to His breast in his need and hold you and Tim and Kaleb in His embrace. Prayerfully, one who cares very much.
Sometimes, when I write this I forget that people really do read it, you have each brought tears to my eyes with your words. Thank you. It may sound strange but it is so good to get permission to share, permission to be human and permission to falter. YOur words give me courage.Thanks
Dear Laurie,Bible readers could remind you that believers all share the role as ministers one to another. The ground's level at the foot of the cross … and that cuts both ways. That doesn't change what people think, though, and it can't stop people from making comments that hit you hard.I am praying that Josh and his heart will be just fine until his cardiologist is back and gives you a solid explanation of symptoms plus a plan that you can rely on.
Dear Laurie,I am so happy you found a place to share your inner emotion. Thank you for being transparent. It didn't matter what means of communication you chose to share your thoughts. The good thing is you get to share your thoughts and I am grateful for your boldness and honesty. It is such a great testimony to your faith and Christ in you. Your child is a piece of you Laurie and you have all the right to fear and rejoice whatever stae of emotion you are in. The fear your child's well-being and health is such a significance part of your life. What parents do not desire to see their child well. Your child is truly a miracle and it will remain a miracle every days of his life and your life. While his life is a miracle; Laurie yours is too as well. The Lord has blessed you ten fold of strength and grace. You may not feel it. Laurie, whenever I see you – I see God's strength in you. Whenever you reach out – I see God's hands in you. Whenever you smile – God smiles with you. Whenever you are afraid – He is your anchor. You are His strength and the strength to those who reads your blog. The Lord will be your peace. He shall embrace you and fill you with his spirit. Joshua is strong because you are strong Laurie. Just because you are hurting does not validate your weakness it simply means you are refine like precious gold. Stronger! Please rest assure my prayer goes with you and your family. I pray God will calm, strengthen, and restore Joshua heart.Peace be with you.Love and peace in Christ,Someone who loves you and your family.
Laurie – I don't know what to say other than I'm glad you are sharing and I continue to hold you all in prayers. I send a hug with this note, wishing I could do more.
brokenness and wholeness are not the same thing.God's heart is brokenAs a leader you therefore are living as God does.