It seems like forever but it’s actually only been 2.5 years since Josh came into our lives. I remember the first time I saw him. All the little things that I began to look forward too. There were moments when we didn’t think those things would ever happen. I remember one morning before we went in to see Josh, Tim and I prayed that we would have some sign of life from him. I jokingly said ‘if he opened his eyes and squeezed my finger I would be forever happy’. We walked into CCU expecting nothing different from every other day. The nurse was fixing his medicine and we asked her how his night had been. When Josh heard our voices he opened his eyes and looked at us. It was the first time we had seen his eyes in a lucid state. We went to his bed, Tim on one side and me on the other side and we each took his hands. At the same time he squeezed both of our fingers. Tim and I both had tears in our eyes and in many ways we consider that to be the moment that he was born. It was a miracle that promised many more miracles to come.
Through all those months, I would think about the future and look forward to the day that he would look at me with love, call me Mummy and show me affection on his own. There were moments when it was all I had to hold onto and there were moments that I thought it would never happen.
This week Josh finally is starting to say Mummy for the first time, just this morning he yelled Mummy a bunch of times and then ran up to me, hugging my legs nice and tight. I think back to the moments of terror, worrying and fear that he might not come out of all of this… and I am so thankful, and I find myself sitting here in a place of awe and wonder. That no matter what this child, or Kaleb does, no matter how many temper tantrums, no matter how many time outs, or just plain worrying things that they put me through. It takes only one small moment, one gesture, one word and the rest evaporates and becomes a mist in my memory. It doesn’t matter, not now and not in 20 years when I am looking back on these times with a fondness and longing. I won’t be thinking about the time he threw the whole box of toys on the ground or threw Buzz light year at his brothers head, I will be thinking about the first time he said ‘ummy’ or the first time he held my hand in a movie because he was worried about the characters. I will look back and see their smiling faces. I will look back and think of their antics with fondness, maybe even a laugh as I share the times that they tortured the dog, or the time Josh tried to talk Kaleb into the dog kennel, or even the time Josh ran away and the neighbour had to return him. When it’s all said and done, I will look back and know love.