I watched Kaleb make his way across the room last night for the first time, it wasn’t quite a crawl yet, just a slow tummy shuffle that promises to turn into a full crawl in the next few days and part of me rejoiced with him. He’s growing up so fast, he’s developing on track and that makes me very happy after having so many troubles with Josh. Then there is a small part of me that sighs, this is the end of just putting him down somewhere and knowing that he is safe, now I will put him down and he will be moving on the most exciting thing in the room. Life is about to change and become even busier than it already is. Then of course is the part of me that is sad, my little baby boy is growing up. So many thoughts and feelings surround one little act of shuffling across the room.
When Josh walks by himself up the stairs without using a railing or falling and I jump up in excitement screaming and yelling about how proud I am of the “big boy”, but my heart secretly longs for the quiet nights of rocking him to sleep.
How is it that as a Mom and I can want contradicting things for my children. I want them to grow into strong, Godly men but I want them to stay safe in my arms forever. When the time comes will I be ready for them to leave? I realize I have loads of time left for that, but look how fast time is flying! My boys will soon be throwing a football, skating down the ice with a stick chasing a puck, dating… (cringing as I write that one). When does my heart become ready to let go and let them grow? Or, maybe a better question is, when will I become strong enough, brave enough to just be happy for them, without the twinge of sadness that they are not my babies anymore?
I want Josh to stop throwing his food, but that comes at the cost of him being mature enough and old enough to know better, which means that I will miss after nap cuddles and bed time snuggles. I want Kaleb to crawl and walk but that means that he will no longer be content to be in my arms. How do I find contentment with the here and now and just rest in the joy that they are right now, as I write this, my baby boys who need all my love, all my support and all my wisdom? When will I just enjoy now, without fearing the changes that are inevitable and yet beautiful in their own way?